How Leo Valdez's Marvelous Idea Almost Cost Him His Life
by supernovas
Summary: The tales of my great plan to get Piper and Jason together and my wonderful thoughts - just for you! How Leo Valdez's Marvelous Idea Almost Cost Him His Life. Read with caution, I take no guarantees. My awesomeness may just cause you to, oh I dunno, faint? By the way, Jason is a total idiot but don't tell him I said that. Read on, friends. /fiveshot/
1. The First Page

**Hi! A (hopefully better) re-write of How Leo Valdez's Marvelous Idea Almost Cost Him His Life. More commonly known as HLVMIACHHL after it was unceremoniously deleted. I understand many of you would be slightly mad & I promise this will remain strong, until the very end.  
anyways...um, read on!**

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It was the perfect plan. Of course it was. Anything I, the great Leo Valdez, thinks up of couldn't be anything but perfect. There were flaws, duh, but small teeny-tiny ones. But I'm perfect and I, too, have flaws. So there.

I should start off with introductions. Even though you probably know who I am. There are few people on the planet, like those monks in the Himalayas or tribes in Africa, who know nothing about me and my amazing-ness. Maybe the monks know about it, too. Even the tribes. But now, I'm on the run, because I'm being falsely accused of a crime that I didn't commit and being chased down by blood-hungry demigods who I once thought of as my friends.

What you are reading now, my friends, is a sacred book. The one and only diary of Leo Valdez, containing secrets that haven't even been exposed to mankind yet. So now… _(a large drumroll and strange hissing sounds) _presenting, the tales of How Leo Valdez's Marvelous Idea Almost Cost Him His Life by Leo Valdez!

**Warnings:**

**-read only if you're brave and chivalrous!**

**-this Book is not for the weak-hearted**

**-this is basically every thought in my head, so chances are you WILL be traumatized **

**-it could cause hysteria**

Now on with the story! This is** page 1** more commonly known as **When It All Began!**

_(My private Mexican cowboy band plays Papa Americano and we all dance merrily)_

It was a normal day in Camp Half Blood, people were milling around, sipping diet cokes, and the Hephy's (my cabin) & Atheens (Annabeth's cabin) were helping with the construction of my magnificent, grand, marvelous, breathtaking, dumbfounding, amazing, wonderful, unimaginable ship, the Argo II. Nope, I didn't have to use a dictionary for that. In awe of me? Yes, that was expected. Annabeth, by the way, for you people who don't know her, is a pretty cute but really, really, really scary head commando girl from the Athena's cabin. She's blonde, have I mentioned? But, since I'm a generally caring person, for your safety, I advice you to not call Annabeth a dumb blonde.

Heh. Actually, I just had a marvelous epiphany. Call her a dumb blonde, I D-double dare you (meaning you had to) and send you my condolences, but please don't blame me for serious injury or death.

Anyways, on with the story. I noticed that my good friends, Jason Grace and Piper McLean were in that horrible phase-like prison of the Friendzone. So I, like mentioned before, am an awfully caring and generous person, and I decided to do something to help them out.

So I thought, and thought, and thought till a marvelous idea hit me. Not like lightning, though. I have been hit by lightning and it is not pleasant. At all.

I, control you gasps, visited the library and you know what I saw there?

_(drumroll + empousa hissing sounds)_

Amazing stuff. I'm not even kidding. The Camp Half Blood Library beat my old school's library in the face. It had more than just books, it had great secrets and so much more cool stuff than any other library I've ever seen before. I would have actually stayed for a few hours if I had time. Sadly, I didn't so I had to limit myself to searching for the key to getting Jason and Piper together. You see, I want to add a title to my name. Yes, I already have a bunch of titles….Commander, Captain, The Greatest, Funniest, Coolest, Fire-man, Repair-Boy (don't even bother asking) and I felt the need to add Matchmaker to my list of titles.

After a few minutes, I found this amazing book. Aphrodite's Cunning Ways of Love. The title sounds pretty boring and the book was frilly pink, but never a judge a book by its cover. That book has some seriously juicy stuff, and if you find it, check it out. But for now, I'm not going to reveal my great plan. Haha! Er. Well, I am. I'm pretty bad at keeping secrets, so here it is…Leo Valdez's Marvelous Idea…

_(drumroll + empousa hissing sounds again [[I do that love that melody]] )_

I'm going to get them to switch bodies! Jason becomes Piper, and Piper becomes Jason. It's completely fail-proof. Nothing could go wrong and it just has to work. Take a look at the description: _An improvised way to make to made-for-each other couples to fall in love made just by the beautiful me. A sip of this juicy potion, and the two victims will switch bodies, and this spell will only be reversed when they both understand and accept their feelings for each other. Isn't it great? The concoction is fairly simple, requiring some cute things (mentioned below) and the hair of each victim.. _

Seems like a pretty cool plan, doesn't it? I mean, ignoring the fact Aphrodite refers to them as victims and I'll somehow need to acquire Jason and Piper's hair….its sounds pretty good to me.

Ok. I'm going to spare y'all the getting hair and making the potion part. Being honest, it was pretty disgusting and really only a guy, or girl in this context, like Gaea would deserve my cruelty, so, for now, you are spared. Be grateful.

You recognize this sign? I, without Kronos' aid, have somehow forward into time of two and a half hours ahead. Jason and Piper are out in the grounds, practicing with themselves and some dummies and they're both in that awkward phase of friendzone-ness and awkward-ness. They were both pretty sweaty and tired, sweat running down their cheeks and it was then that I pulled out my potion, successfully mixed into water and innocently resting on two normal, plastic cups' surface.

It was a marvelous idea and nothing should have gone wrong.

I raced down to the fields, where Jason and Piper were leaning against the shade of our large banyan tree, talking about Zeus-knows-what and offered them the two glasses. Piper flashed me her beauty-queen smile and Jason patted me on the back affectionately and said something like, "Thanks buddy."

The moment had come. I watched on as the two drained their cups and handed them to me, muttering their grateful, and heart-felt thanks. Ironic, nah?

It happened. It was literally like the world came to a standstill, the breeze stopped whistling and the long weeds of grass froze mid-bend as it happened. In a split second, so fast nobody could have ever seen, the moment was over and I had missed it all. Whatever.

Piper and Jason had been blasted off their feet, and they were lying on the ground like zombies. Jason stirred, and rose to his feet unsteadily, as Piper followed. They were silent for a few seconds when Jason blinked. "I- what happened?" He narrowed his eyes at me and took a threatening step forward. "Leo, what did you do?"

I shook my head.

"Why do I feel like you hacked off all my hair?" He gingerly pulled at his spiky blond hair. "What?" Piper, too, was glancing about it confusion that would soon grow into anger.

YES! IT HAD WORKED! THANK THE GODS!

As I looked back at them, understanding drew on Jason's (who's actually Piper) face, and her eyes glistened dangerously, her face contorted into a furious scowl, and I have to admit, I took a nervous step back.

"LEO VALDEZ! WHAT DID YOU DO TO US? YOU BETTER ANSWER BECAUSE I AM ONE STEP AWAY FROM ENDING YOUR EXISTENCE! DON'T YOU DARE RUN OR I SHALL TEAR YOU APART!"

Without hesitation, I broke into a super-speed, running for your life, run.

And then — oh no. I'm not that nice of a guy. You better wait for page 2, coming into theaters or for this matter, into my diary, soon. So keep waiting, as the clock ticks on. I'll be back soon. Signing of, Matchmaker Leo Valdez.

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**the last part seems hurried. it kind of was. it's not my best work but I've always wanted to continue with this idea (Riordan never revealed how Jiper got together) review anyways? a few seconds could make my day! keep reading and I swear on Styx to update as soon as I find the time! **


	2. The Second Page

**ohmygosh. so apparently this chapter got deleted and mixed up and whatnot :/  
**

**uhh so for those of you who haven't checked it out - Chapter 2!**

**by the way this is _disclaimed_. I am in no way shape of form Rick Riordan. if I was, HoH would be done only in Percy, Leo and Annabeth's POV. and HOH would have been out a ages ago, sparing us readers months of anguish and wait :)  
**

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**The Leo's Personal Diary and Awesome Stories Series**

**BOOK 1**

**-not for weak hearted as I mentioned before**

**-read with really extreme caution**

**-this is basically every thought in my head, so chances are you WILL be traumatized**

I wonder where I left off. Oh, right. Piper told me not to run, I ran, yeah.

Now, ignoring that unprofessional statement which I apologize profusely for, I am back after a small break with page _numero deux_ of the great secret diary of me, also known as How Leo Valdez's Marvelous Idea Almost Cost Him His Life, also known as HLVMIACHHL.

By the way, anybody who wants to purchase this with my autograph needs to meet me at Camp Halfblood, hopefully with some candy, by my cabin. My candy preferences are the following: sour patch kids, airheads, lollipops, warheads, mentos, m&m's, snickers, gummy bears, gummy worms and chocolate eggs. Feel free to bring them all.

Anyways, onwards to…..

**Page 2**

_(cue uh…uh.. Don't Worry Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin…to commemorate…something cool like...my birth)_

This is your host, the hot, spectacular, extremely dashing Leo Valdez and you're watching, reading actually, my diary. Anyways, I was running, running and running until I bumped into a very attractive person named Thalia Grace. One second I was dashing past and the next second I crashed into her, sending her and me off balance.

Thalia Grace is sister of Jason Grace, hot, cute, feisty but sadly unavailable because of her hunter-ness. A hunter is not allowed to date boys or even fall in love. A pity. But you know what they say. They are more fish in the pond. Except I don't really like fish.

She brushed some dust off her hunters getup and glowered at me. "Why are you running?" She demanded, narrowing her eyes suspiciously, like it was some sort of crime to be caught running. Puh-leaze.

I shrugged, and waved my hands around to convey that the sun was shining, and it was a great day to be outside, frolicking happily. Unfortunately, she caught she caught sight of

Jason and Piper, who were switched and apparently fighting with each other, even though it seemed like Piper (who was in Jason's body) was trying to punch Jason (who was in Piper's body) and he (who looked like a she) was trying to dodge her.

Confusing? Well, for people like you, probably.

To Thalia it looked like Jason was well…abusing Piper. Which, considering the fact they were supposed to be "almost" dating, looked rather odd. Thalia's eyes flared, burning with fiery fire and she clenched her fists. Oh boy. Piper, being in Jason's body, was in some serious trouble. She grabbed my hand, which was a good thing, but she ended up dragging me to Jason and Piper who were still unaware of Thalia and her…anger issues.

"Jason Grace! What in the name of Zeus do you think you are doing?"

Her shout startled Piper and she looked up in surprise. She looked perplexed, and rather scared, as Thalia shot her the special Thalia glare when understanding registered on her face. "No, Thalia! I'm not Jason, please–"

"Shut up, Jason." Thalia shushed Piper with a whack on the head. "Why were you trying to punch poor Piper?" She put an arm around Jason who did his best to look poor and pitiful. Honestly, he was a pretty good actor. Piper shot him a dark look but before she could react, she was forcefully taken back by Thalia to the Zeus cabin for some sound beating hopefully.

But then again, I swore Piper turned around and shook her head at me, mouthing something like, _you are so dead, Repair Boy. _But she's just…Piper, what could I be scared about? Ha. Haha… Ok, She's Piper, there's a lot to be scared about. But then again, I was brave, heroic Leo, who was still nothing compared to angry, furious Piper. Ugh.. You know, lets just forget she said anything.

Jason turned to me and there was just something in his (actually her) eyes that wasn't welcoming. That and his fists were clenched. "Leoooo." He trailed off, still glaring at me. "I know this is your fault. There better be a way to turn us back or else…"

Okay, so I had a few seconds before I was dead meat.

I smiled endearingly. "Of course, give me a sec to think." I tried to recall the exact quote from the book:_ the only way for the spell to be reversed, the only way to turn the clock around, the only possibility lies within the hands of the victims. it shall take time, I know not how much, and it requires true understanding of oneself. I take no guarantees. _

Well then.

"Oh yeah. It's pretty easy. All you have to do is…um….go to the fields, stand naked on a full moon's night, howl like a wolf and bathe in the blood of a…an empousa."

Jason stared at me. "What?"

"Just kidding, bro. It's pretty simple. But meanwhile, my dear friend…" I trailed off, smiling as the gears turned in my head. "Look you have crush on Piper." I ignored Jason's protests and carried on with my (second) marvelous plan. "So why don't we go join the Aphrodite kids at their cabin. Piper must have told her _homies_ something during their girly sleepovers. It'd be great."

Jason didn't say anything for some time and I knew he was thinking about the possibilities. _Good job, Leo._ He shrugged, stuffing his hands back into his pockets. "Sounds good. I mean, you know how to turn us back, right?"

I nodded encouragingly.

"So why not make use of this golden opportunity? Race you." Jason took off, and I blinked for a few seconds in shock before hurrying ahead.

Just as I was about to knock, the door was whizzed open by Drew Tanaka, ex-counselor of Aphro's cabin 'cause Piper kicked her butt. A strong smell of perfume clogged our noses and we began coughing. Ugh. How can Piper live in this place?

I mean apart from the fact there's cute girls, who would want to live here?

My fingernails turned an interesting shade of pink. _Oops_. "Sorry _Aphro_!" Hopefully, the use of my friendly nickname thing m'bob would please her. Thankfully, it did and my fingernails were back to being whatever color they normally were.

"Ex-cuh-use-me? Are you two together now?"

Oh, Drew. I opened my mouth to say something but I was cut off by Jason. "What? No, why would I date Leo? I'm with Pip — I mean, Jason." Drew only shook her head, smirking slightly in a really suspicious way.

"I knew it!" She shrieked, bouncing up and down. "You are so cheating on Jason, you're two-faced, vile and really really ugly. More than that, you have a fake father who must have actually been a mutant, large-nosed hideous garbage." She tossed her hair, ignoring Jason's look of fury. "You're dating Leo!" Just as I was about to protest AND ask her how she learned all those big words (something that wasn't like her at all) five girls poked their heads out.

The girls were cute.

Really cute, but that's not the point. All five of them squealed, in perfect synchronization, I might add: "Ohmygawds Piper! You broke Jason's heart? Oh, that's just so adorably sad! Oh, and you and Leo are totally hitting off!"

Drew smirked as Jason was pulled in by the five cute girls. Why couldn't I come in with them? "Bye Leo." She simpered. "I'm going to go comfort Jason." She was halfway to Zeus' cabin before the meaning of what she'd said sank in. Piper was in Jason's body. Piper hated Drew. This could all be represent by a simple math equation.

Flirty Drew + Angry Piper = BIG EXPLOSION

I was always good at Math.

"NO! Drew, wait up! Wait! DREW!" I began to chase after her but she paid me no heed and simply raised one manicured hand only to knock on the Zeus cabin's door three times. Oh gods, she was dead.

I bet you're all wondering what happened to her. Well, keep waiting. MWAHAHAHAHA. You'll have to wait for page 3 of my diary. I'm tired so no more writing. Check out the soon coming up third installment of my diary, provided only to you by the Official Leo Channel (OLC).

**Coming up next:**

Drew and her adventures with Piper!

Stay tuned, my minions.

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**REMEMBER: every reviewer gets virtual cookies and love :) oh.. if you don't like cookies (can you believe some people don't?) then cupcakes for you. :) :)  
**


	3. The Third Page

**the tales of my great plan to get Piper and Jason together and my wonderful thoughts - just for you! How Leo Valdez's Marvelous Idea Almost Cost Him His Life. read with caution, I take no guarantees. by the way, Jason is a total idiot. I mean, who wouldn't want to switch bodies with a pretty girl?**

The Leo's Personal Diary and Awesome Stories Series  
BOOK 1  
***not for weak hearted as I mentioned before  
***this is basically every thought in my head, so chances are you WILL be traumatized

**Page 3**  
Hell-to-the-o to all. It's your famous friend Leo Valdez, and he's back with the latest grooves of his HLVMIACHHL so tune on, volcanos. I've always wanted to talk like I'm some dude from the old times. Ha ha. So, any ideas on what song to play?

No ideas. If I Die Young by Kesha … seems to be perfect. You know, I'm dying because of Piper.

OOOOOOOH! _(song plays)_

But! So let's remember where we left off? Ah… Drew was going to meet a tragic death — again because of Piper. Really, that girl has to improve her reputation. Killing people and all.

So I hid by the door to the Zeus cabin and this is what I heard:

**_Scene 1:_**

_Piper/J is sitting on a rectangular bunk, her head in her hands, and her dark curls tied loosely in a pony tail._

_(Drew Tanaka enters stage *cabin* )_

**Drew**: OMG! Jason, are you crying?

**Piper**: Drew! What the — why're you here?

**Drew**: Hon, I heard you were sad over your breakup with Piper.

**Piper**: Wait, what? Breakup with me — I mean, Piper…

**Drew**: Well, she was a cheap.

**Piper**: You've done it! Piper us an amazing girl with the greatest personality and you...! We did NOT break up! Hear that, Tanaka?

**Drew**: Honey! She is a real idiotic cheap. She must have _charmpspeaked_ you, dear. Because I know; no one in their right mind could date Piper McLean with her faux-famous father and all.

**Piper**: Honey. I swear to god if you repeat what you said, I will kill you and snap your head open and feast on your blood and use your bones as chopsticks. Plus, I'm really not one to kid a lot. So, really, Drew, if Aphrodite had blessed you with some sense like she did with me, you would be leaving now! If you'd dare insult Piper McLean or her father one more time, it will be the last thing you do. I may not be a fighter, but I can kill you, and you know that, Tanaka!

_(Leo's comment: Ooh! Fei — never mind. I dare not risk my life)_

**Drew**: Aphrodite blessed you…? What are you saying, Jason? (si_mpers_) Are you sure you're feeling okay, dear? Here. _(walks to Piper and feels her head)_

_(Piper screams and launches herself at Drew)_

**Drew**: AAAAAAGH!

**Piper**: AAAAAAGH!

_(I hurry in to see if Drew has died yet)_

_(Noises attract the great Thalia the Grace and a bunch of other campers)_

**Thalia**: Would somebody bother telling me what's going on?

**Will**: I'm kind of disturbed. Should I be?

_(Leo's comment: haha. You would know what that looked like wouldn't you? Oo la la. Drew +_ Jason_ on top of each other!?)_

**Thalia**: Jason! You just wait. I'll be dealing with you in a minute. Drew! Come here or I swear I'm blasting you with lightning and permanently maiming you with my —

**Clarisse**: I would love to do that.

**Thalia**: (_waves hand_) Oh you! Shush. You can deal with Jason.

_(Clarisse immediately brightens)_

_(Piper doesn't… she frantically she tries for another option)_

**Piper**: We... he... Jason… me... Leo's fault.. I mean — we switched bodies! I'm a girl! Seriously, a girl!

**Campers**: OHH!

**Malcolm**: This is even more interesting than Discovery channel!

**Clovis**: Totally! I'm not even that sleepy right now.

**Travis:** That's just... I can't even... all those times we've hugged and tackled each other... you... how could you?

**Katie**: _Travis_! Shush! Jason, you were secretly a girl the whole time? Oh my god! Poor you!

**Piper:** I'm not him! I'm her! Please! Believe meee!

**Me**: You know I think Jason is mentally damaged. Drew can do that to people.

_(Piper almost shoots me an appreciative look)_

That's a really rare concurrence, you know. Like RARE, RARE.

**Thalia**: Look here —

_(Jason walks in)_

**Everybody**: _(in surprise)_ YOU!

**Piper**: _(angrily)_ YOU!

**Thalia**: _(in disbelief)_ YOU!

**Me**: _(calmly like a sage)_ You.

_**End of Scene 1**_

And then Piper launched herself at Jason and the rest —

You'll have to wait to see, because it's definitely not history.

I hate history.

Oh, and did you like my epic Shake... was it spear? The Shakespear guy... Yeah, did you like my Shakespear-esque play? I think it's great. The second step to my dream of being a writer.

Keep reading.

Leo The Great signs off.

Kisses to all fans… girls, in case you were confused. Not boys. Definitely not.

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**... and that's a wrap :D**

**First things first: THANKS FOR THOSE COOKIES - orangeface99 and the mysterious anon guest :) I loved them :D some for you too (::) (::)  
**

**Person: ahaha okay :) I updated. I don't want you to set Piper on me :P she's still hyper! :O**

**Secondly, as some of you may know; this is the 3rd chapter from the original HLVMIACHHL :) the original... sounds so fancy-formal doesn't it? :D anyways, I was like... its still pretty OK, and with a few edits... it'll be good to go.. so why not?  
**

******Adiós ma chéries :)**  


**Yah. No idea where that came from...**

**So... review? It'll make my day! and cookies too :) **

**and hey, you guys, please don't favorite or follow without reviewing... it takes a few seconds to review (this applies to all stories not just mine) and reviews make all authors bounce with joy :)  
**

**'kay then! bye y'all! :)  
**


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